It's nice to feel human again

Nothing quite compares to the feeling of not being in school. 

About two months ago, I was completing the last rotation of my third year of med school, and was starting to feel generally overwhelmed by everything. My attendings and residents seemed to ignore the fact that my day only consists of 24 hours. And I had like four exams coming up and no clue as to how I was going to study for them. And not to mention the fact that I had 1 week to totally move out of my apartment. Meanwhile, it was a beautiful afternoon in Philly and everyone else in the world seemed to be just chilling. I remember walking down Walnut street, and realizing how jealous I felt of everyone. I was jealous of this little old lady sitting outside on her porch. How dare those girls have fun at happy hour. The nerve of that little toddler being pushed around in a stroller. What right did these people have to enjoy this beautiful summer day?? 

 

While I was back in Bedford and in the thick of studying for my board exam, my cat Krishna would be frolicking in the backyard, chasing butterflies and terrorizing small rodents. I started getting jealous of him too, and once tried locking him in the study room with me so that he too could suffer. 

But then he looked at me like this and I just couldn't. Gah

Some days, I would study in the library and these kids would be playing Runescape or Warcraft (or whatever it is kids play on the internet these days). I contemplated "accidentally" knocking over their computers. I fantasized about snapping this little girl's crayon when she got up to go to the bathroom. All this stress had ultimately turned me into this bitter, evil, grinch of a person who despises other people's happiness.

 

I'm the kid.

When I walked out of the test center after taking that ridiculous 9 hour bear of an exam that was USMLE Step 2 (or did I take the Obstetrics and Gynecology boards? Can't really be sure) I was expecting an overwhelming sense of relief, but it wasn't there. Not immediately. It took several days of trying to reassimilate into society - meeting friends, running around outside, eating food, before I started to feel human again. 

 

I am thankful for the experience that is medical school so far, because it has his has taught me something important: There are some people who thrive under stress. I am most certainly not this person. I do not dislike hard work and do like achieving goals, but daunting tasks do not make me feel "alive" and I certainly do not feel "anxious" when there is nothing to do. No sirree. In fact, I am happy as a clam doing absolutely nothing :). So no matter what I end up doing with my life, if I do not have time to chill, I will become a grinch. I will suck the happiness from people's lives and cause great misery to all who are unfortunate enough to cross my path. And I will probably die an early death from cardiovascular disease from poor eating habits and lack of exercise. So trust me, this is better for everyone.

This is me under stress.